Birth Story

I don't know the gender, but I keep wanting to call her a her. We just had another look at her through the ultrasound machine since I questioned Dr. H. whether or not babies make spontaneous post mortem kicks. He said no, we'll do another ultrasound, and a minute later the machine was in the room. We watched her there a while. She is so peaceful, no strong neck muscles to hold her head up, as if she knows the Lord has lifted her soul and any burden on her is now put to rest. If she can be relaxed, I'll try to be, too. Which makes her a Saint in the happiest place there is. Though still unnamed, with gender actually unknown.

I'm grateful for a belly just big enough to hold the laptop in the right place as I rest in a mechanical hospital bed. I am typing through a drug induced state (Ambien-supposed to help me sleep-hasn't-but I'm feelin' gooood.) Beginnings of a contraction start and stay for 2 hours now, but leveled off once Ambien kicked it it seemed.

I'm grateful for a husband who dropped his life to make sure mine (ours-the 3 of us) is taken care of.

I'm grateful for family who dropped their lives so Matt could drop off our children. They've been in wacky moods lately. The kids that is!

Im grateful for the kindest most down to earth obstetrician, Dr. Jon H. With his wife and 4 young children at home, he's sleeping in the room across the hall from me.

I'm grateful for his wife who lets him take care of us tonight, tomorrow...

I'm grateful that I've been through this and know what to expect.

I'm grateful for hospital Jello. If you have a spoonful of orange and strawberry in one bite, it's the most fanciest of delicacies.

11:30PM October 5, 2009. Next dose of cytotec inserted (into the cervix to induce labor). First dose was around 7:30PM. Matt sleeps peacefully in the bed across the room. Since Ambien didn't work, I can ask for something else to help me sleep and ease the pain, though it's mild for now. I had trouble walking straight post-Ambien, so who knows what more of it will do?! After another hour of not sleeping, they decided an anti-anxiety would be the next best bet as it could knock me out as well, so Zanex was next.

I typed the previous as I was in the hospital passing time. I'll finish the story now at home.

After several hours of not sleeping, having the shakes and certain belly-aching bathroom issues caused by the Cytotec, a fever also expected from Cytotec and a constant beginning of a contraction, I had about an hour of real contractions that increased in intensity, then suddenly I felt the sac crown without any urge to push. Matt was awake now and got the nurse. She called in the doctor and a team of nurses and they so respectfully and quietly went to work in the dimly lit room. I was high on hormones so enjoyed telling Dr. H. that his hair looked as good as mine (both of us just getting up from bed). They helped guide me through the delivery cautiously since the baby's body is so fragile, but since the water hadn't broken it was protected and born at 3:30AM. It can take more than 2 hours of waiting before the placenta is ready to deliver and I only had to wait minutes. Really miraculous how much easier this was than last time I went through this, though it's all relative.

Faith is the ticket that gets us through. I'm grateful for all that I learn through the tragedies He puts me through, and I always find there is some reason, some blessing, some inkling of hope to hold on to to make it worth the horror. I'm grateful for every day I was pregnant and know God has plans for all of us that are greater than we can imagine.


Addendum: Her name is Angel. She was perfectly formed. Baby's skin is transparent at this age.

A Message?

I really don't know what I'm to perceive from the coincidences this afternoon. A message of peace, of hello, of remembrance...? I'm not dwelling on it as some kind of a 'message', though I know God speaks to us in many ways. I'm just kind of taken aback by it all.

This Saturday evening we went to 4:30 Mass at St. Boniface. We haven't been there in years as we go to a different church on our side of town, but were planning our weekend with friends around the guys' dirt biking plans and chose to join them at their church tonight so they would ride motorcycles tomorrow.

I notice after we sit down that there is a banner with a picture of a baby in utero on the lector's stand. I don't look too closely and can't tell what the details are right then.

The lector begins the first reading with, A Reading from the Book of the Prophet Amos. It always makes me jump a little to hear that. Since it's been long enough, this time it was with a smile. Twenty-two months ago to the date, I gave birth to a stillborn son at 18 weeks that we named Amos. The name means carrier of heavy burdens, and our prayer was that he would take our burdens and that of others heavenward with him.

After Amos was born, I didn't go to Mass until a few weeks later. That day was the first time I had ever heard a reading from the Book of Amos at Mass. Matt and my jaws dropped open as we looked over at each other. The following weekend we're at Mass, we hear it AGAIN! I googled and found that it only occurs 3 times in the 3 year cycle of readings in the Catholic church. And 2 of them were right then! I didn't think much about it again. Until today!

Then later I squint and see that the unborn baby banner has the number 4 on it. 4 months. It's of a baby in the 4th month. I was 4 months pregnant when he died. There's a ruler marking out his size and everything. I was stunned. I still don't know specifically what to make of it all, but I don't need to know. I guess I just need to keep on listening.