Day with Dad

I took a nap this weekend. My wonderful husband who likes our house and property and children so much that he hates to go anywhere spent my nap time inventing fun at our place with the kids. We often have to remind him that we wouldn't have this house and land if he didn't have the job, so he must go there Monday through Friday. Fortunately, he works with great people for a great university, so there isn't much to complain about (besides having to do it)!

After hunting the perfect sticks, hammering in a nail, finding a stick for an arrow, and attaching a bungee cord, they each now have their very own bow and arrow.

And here's how happy they are about it.

Full and Heavy

My milk came in today
as full and heavy as my heart.
I don't have you to give it to
because now we are apart.

I watched you hiccup on the screen
and felt you kick a bit.
Sometimes I can still feel you,
though it seems silly to admit.

I'm grateful for every day I had-
the timing was God's choice.
For some reason He wanted you back
before He gave you a voice.

I always learn through every loss
as God solidly holds my hand,
but what I've finally figured out
is that I'm not supposed to understand.


"We can try to limit suffering, fight against it, but we cannot eliminate it. It is when we attempt to avoid suffering by withdrawing from anything that might involve hurt, when we try to spare ourselves the effort and pain of pursuing truth, love, and goodness, that we drift into a life of emptiness..." Pope Benedict

Birth Story

I don't know the gender, but I keep wanting to call her a her. We just had another look at her through the ultrasound machine since I questioned Dr. H. whether or not babies make spontaneous post mortem kicks. He said no, we'll do another ultrasound, and a minute later the machine was in the room. We watched her there a while. She is so peaceful, no strong neck muscles to hold her head up, as if she knows the Lord has lifted her soul and any burden on her is now put to rest. If she can be relaxed, I'll try to be, too. Which makes her a Saint in the happiest place there is. Though still unnamed, with gender actually unknown.

I'm grateful for a belly just big enough to hold the laptop in the right place as I rest in a mechanical hospital bed. I am typing through a drug induced state (Ambien-supposed to help me sleep-hasn't-but I'm feelin' gooood.) Beginnings of a contraction start and stay for 2 hours now, but leveled off once Ambien kicked it it seemed.

I'm grateful for a husband who dropped his life to make sure mine (ours-the 3 of us) is taken care of.

I'm grateful for family who dropped their lives so Matt could drop off our children. They've been in wacky moods lately. The kids that is!

Im grateful for the kindest most down to earth obstetrician, Dr. Jon H. With his wife and 4 young children at home, he's sleeping in the room across the hall from me.

I'm grateful for his wife who lets him take care of us tonight, tomorrow...

I'm grateful that I've been through this and know what to expect.

I'm grateful for hospital Jello. If you have a spoonful of orange and strawberry in one bite, it's the most fanciest of delicacies.

11:30PM October 5, 2009. Next dose of cytotec inserted (into the cervix to induce labor). First dose was around 7:30PM. Matt sleeps peacefully in the bed across the room. Since Ambien didn't work, I can ask for something else to help me sleep and ease the pain, though it's mild for now. I had trouble walking straight post-Ambien, so who knows what more of it will do?! After another hour of not sleeping, they decided an anti-anxiety would be the next best bet as it could knock me out as well, so Zanex was next.

I typed the previous as I was in the hospital passing time. I'll finish the story now at home.

After several hours of not sleeping, having the shakes and certain belly-aching bathroom issues caused by the Cytotec, a fever also expected from Cytotec and a constant beginning of a contraction, I had about an hour of real contractions that increased in intensity, then suddenly I felt the sac crown without any urge to push. Matt was awake now and got the nurse. She called in the doctor and a team of nurses and they so respectfully and quietly went to work in the dimly lit room. I was high on hormones so enjoyed telling Dr. H. that his hair looked as good as mine (both of us just getting up from bed). They helped guide me through the delivery cautiously since the baby's body is so fragile, but since the water hadn't broken it was protected and born at 3:30AM. It can take more than 2 hours of waiting before the placenta is ready to deliver and I only had to wait minutes. Really miraculous how much easier this was than last time I went through this, though it's all relative.

Faith is the ticket that gets us through. I'm grateful for all that I learn through the tragedies He puts me through, and I always find there is some reason, some blessing, some inkling of hope to hold on to to make it worth the horror. I'm grateful for every day I was pregnant and know God has plans for all of us that are greater than we can imagine.


Addendum: Her name is Angel. She was perfectly formed. Baby's skin is transparent at this age.

Sad News

I'm posting the e-mail I sent because I am closely e-connected to people whom I don't have e-mail addresses for.

This is all too familiar to me, but once again, we'll be given the strength we need. I'm sorry to send bad news via e-mail, but I'm sure you understand we're not going to make that many phone calls and don't want to leave any of you unknowing.
Psalm 18:2
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

At 18 weeks again, we've lost a baby. I heard a strong heartbeat only 5 or so days ago. I had a scheduled ultrasound today and we were shocked to not find the heart beating. There was nothing on the ultrasound to indicate what caused it. The doctor will order every test possible to figure this out that wasn't performed last time, as it's my 5th consecutive miscarriage, 3rd in or near the second trimester.
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Matt and I will go to Home Hospital in Lafayette tonight at 7PM where labor will be induced. Dr. Hoversland said that it can take hours or days (even 4 or more) for the Cytotec medicine to start labor. We just have to stay in the hospital and wait. It is safe for me to stay pregnant and wait to labor and deliver naturally, but that could be weeks or months, so I chose the induction. Last time I was induced at 18 weeks it took less than half a day for labor to start, then 5 hours of labor. It's nearly as physically painful as the real thing, but lacking emotional motivation, so please pray for my strength. And for Matt's, it's hard on him, too.
Psalm 30:5
Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I didn't intentionally leave anyone off of this e-mail. Feel free to forward it as necessary. I don't have very many e-mail addresses since my laptop went defunct earlier this year.

Stephanie
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Nothing Much

I haven't had much inspiration for posting blogs, so I'm afraid I'm losing what little momentum I had for all 5 of my readers. :) Last night in the bath tub I was thinking of the comparisons between Crayola crayon colors and life. I'll spare you such a post.

Tonight I was reading Trumpet of the Swan by E. B. White to the kids before bed. It's the 3rd time most of them have heard it. One time was on CD during a trip. It's my favorite book I think. While I was reading Jonah interrupted with, "Mommy, do you know what doesn't poop?" I went along. "No, I don't." He didn't have an answer, he wanted one. "What doesn't poop?" I said, "I think all living creatures poop." He followed, "Do swans poop?" "Yes." "Okay."

I am continually thrilled to be privy to the information inside the heads of these wonderful, though sometimes unusual, children.

Tomorrow, Matt and I get to see our next wonderful child on a monitor screen! We're very excited. Our girls, though not the same, aren't a real contrast to each other. Our boys, though they have similarities, are very different. I don't know what to expect from this one.

Pumpkin Passion

MMM. I can hardly type because I keep picking up my bowl of soup {slurp} and eating another bite. I'm on my second snack size bowl of Curried Pumpkin Soup this near autumn morning. Finally something to inspire me to type again.

3.5 months ago we took a great class from a local organic farmer with many acres, Kevin Cooley. We learned so much and took home some seeds and plants to start our garden. One of the seed bags was filled with 'winter squash' yet no specific name. Somehow this winter squash was seeded in many areas of our garden, not just the 1-2 hills that we placed it in. (Addendum: Matt DID put our 1 year old compost on the garden (I wasn't aware). That's where the pumpkins came from! I talked to Mr. Cooley finally, and the winter squash he gave us was acorn squash.)

Then in another strange turn (we had many with this garden experience) one morning a fairy godmother had turned the green smooth spherical squash into an orange pumpkin! We were quite surprised when they kept showing up (pumpkins, not fairy godmothers). The kids picked them a month ago, and finally today I baked them. It's so easy once you cut it in half from top to bottom and get the seeds out (which we'll save for roasting). A hatchet would be easier, but my Cutco knife worked. Put them flesh down on a baking sheet into the oven at 350 for 1 hour 30 minutes. When it's cool enough (or right away with hot pads if you're impatient like me), use a spoon to scoop the flesh out. It falls right off the skin and is the most beautiful rich color!



Here's the soup recipe that I got from a lady at the Men of St. Tom's Lenten soup supper.

Curried Pumpkin Soup

1/2 lb. fresh mushrooms, sliced (I only had half this amount and preferred the outcome.)
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 T butter or margarine
2-3 T all purpose flour
1/2 to 1 t curry powder (original author uses 1/2 t. sweet, 1/2 t. hot-I used full amount of regular curry)
3 cups vegetable broth
1 can (15 oz) solid pack pumpkin (I used 2 packed cups.)
1 can (12 oz) evaporated milk
1 T honey (I was out so used agave nectar.)
1/2 t salt
1/4 t. pepper
1/4 t ground nutmeg
fresh or frozen chives (optional) (I didn't use.)

In a large saucepan, saute the mushrooms and onions in butter until tender. Stir in the flour and curry powder until blended. Gradually add the broth. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Add the pumpkin, milk, honey, salt, pepper and nutmeg; heat through. Garnish with chives if desired.

Serves 7

You could be all restaurant like and puree this. I found some pumpkin globs, but stirring and mashing with the spatula fixed that. To be safe, I used a hand mixer and sprayed it all over, but I don't mind the original consistency. I'm on my 3rd bowl now. Next time I'm trying it dairy and gluten free to see how that goes.

I really like to add raw pistachios to squash soups, however I only had raw cashews today, and they crunched just as well.

Never Too Much 4-H

We are nearing exhaustion, but the excitement keeps us going. Grace is taking 11 4-H projects, plus fashion revue. Will is entering 2 Mini 4-H projects. I didn't expect the time required for the activities in the books of some of her projects, so doing them these last 2 weeks has nearly burnt us out. But we don't have any regrets.

Today is day 2. All of the home ec stuff is behind us, and blue ribbons on all. Cookies baked, scrapbook completed, cake decorated (actually a foam one!). Skirt sewed and modeled. The gal in charge of fashion revue was in fashion revue with me years ago! Her sister, my former club leader, was also helping. A couple other fellow former 4-Hers also had 4-Hers of their own with mine! It's fun! We won't find out the results of fashion revue until the public show Sunday night of the fair at 6PM. There were only 4 entries in first year sewing! That's VERY low! I hope that more sewers join next year. Maybe Will will want to make some shorts or a duffle bag.

Here's Grace in her outfit. The skirt is the part that she made.



Tomorrow is only arts and crafts which includes painting and drawing (for Grace it's drawing), and Gift Wrapping. That one was fun and practical as she had to make her own bow.

I think this is a very boring post. I also have no consistency in my posts. Some are stories, some more like a journal entry, some just a recap of the day. There's no 'some' about it, I think this is maybe entry #4?

I'm off to put Grace's drawing into a frame. Tomorrow we have to finish assembling a Forestry poster supposing the leaves are dry and a Photography poster supposing we can come up with 3-4 more pictures with variety! Then it's all downhill from there.

A Message?

I really don't know what I'm to perceive from the coincidences this afternoon. A message of peace, of hello, of remembrance...? I'm not dwelling on it as some kind of a 'message', though I know God speaks to us in many ways. I'm just kind of taken aback by it all.

This Saturday evening we went to 4:30 Mass at St. Boniface. We haven't been there in years as we go to a different church on our side of town, but were planning our weekend with friends around the guys' dirt biking plans and chose to join them at their church tonight so they would ride motorcycles tomorrow.

I notice after we sit down that there is a banner with a picture of a baby in utero on the lector's stand. I don't look too closely and can't tell what the details are right then.

The lector begins the first reading with, A Reading from the Book of the Prophet Amos. It always makes me jump a little to hear that. Since it's been long enough, this time it was with a smile. Twenty-two months ago to the date, I gave birth to a stillborn son at 18 weeks that we named Amos. The name means carrier of heavy burdens, and our prayer was that he would take our burdens and that of others heavenward with him.

After Amos was born, I didn't go to Mass until a few weeks later. That day was the first time I had ever heard a reading from the Book of Amos at Mass. Matt and my jaws dropped open as we looked over at each other. The following weekend we're at Mass, we hear it AGAIN! I googled and found that it only occurs 3 times in the 3 year cycle of readings in the Catholic church. And 2 of them were right then! I didn't think much about it again. Until today!

Then later I squint and see that the unborn baby banner has the number 4 on it. 4 months. It's of a baby in the 4th month. I was 4 months pregnant when he died. There's a ruler marking out his size and everything. I was stunned. I still don't know specifically what to make of it all, but I don't need to know. I guess I just need to keep on listening.

How Many Hail Marys Does It Take...

for me to mow the lawn?

I don't know. But you can be sure that I said one for you. Whoever you are.

A verse in Sunday's reading was repeated in the homily by Father Patrick. It was just what I needed when I needed it. I shouldn't be surprised. That's what God does! Here it is. It's so simple, yet so bold.

My Grace is sufficient for you.

And, yes, it is.

Another blessing this week: A nice lady taught me to play the dulcimer. Well, only 3 chords, but that was enough to get me playing non-stop with a group of pros for 90 minutes!

How Many 33 Year Old Women Do This?

Yesterday, I polished my white walls. We have a new used van that was previously owned by an older gentleman who must have thought white walls out was the cool way to display your tires. As if there can be anything cool about a tan colored mini-van anyway. Since I have this new-to-me vehicle, I thought I'd try something new. Keeping it clean. So, Friday is car cleaning day (thanks to the Fly Lady). Inside at least, but yesterday was a nice day. My husband, Matt, was home for a work holiday, and the outside of the van was dirty. Matt said that's never bothered me before. He's right. I can count on one hand how many times I washed my last van of 7 years. He washed it for me the first 6 months as I had newborn Jonah, but gave up after that. So, since the hose was already out for Matt's mortar mixing, it seemed to be a convenient and easy task. And whaddyaknow, it was! Inside the garage I have a vehicle washing bucket, and inside was a spray can of white wall washer! Why, I don't know, but I sprayed, scrubbed, polished, and rinsed those babies. Then, Jonah, now 6.5, sprayed the van while I washed. I guess people do change.

On another subject, today for the 4th of July, we're going to 2 parties if we want to put up with the rain. The first one is an international foods pot-luck. Non-American food basically. :) Though the party was rescheduled from another weekend, and there really aren't any international holidays to do such a party on. I'm excited about it. The host, Matt's co-worker Steven and his wife, Carrie, are serving Moroccan Stew and international beers and wines. I was going to bring Swiss fondue in my authentic pot, but the logistics of keeping it ready on the way over, and the COST of gruyere and ementaler cheese, holy moly. So, I made tiramisu, with less costly but still expensive mascarpone cheese (an Italian style cream cheese). I made one cake with mascarpone, and one with cream cheese. The mascarpone is SO much better, lighter, sweeter, yum (I licked the bowl, haven't tried the cake). My desserts usually taste good, but rarely get credit for their looks. The first hot milk sponge cake I made for the tiramisu flopped. The final products are so-so. I just took a picture to insert and the picture looks gross, so I will not! Grace is making practice 4-H chocolate crinkles for us to bring to the 2nd party. I hope there is no drunk firework lighting at the bonfire like last year. We'll just be watching and can hopefully get far enough away.

What the Sap is That?

I was talking to my husband, Matt, on the phone today. "Hold on! There's something sticky on the earpiece," I griped. The dialogue in my head started something fierce. 'What the heck IS that? Gross. What have the kids been into now? How did they get it on the EARPIECE of the PHONE? Holy moly, it's not even coming off with the wash rag.' "Hold on, Matt, I'm washing it off," I say into the phone while it's at the sink, harboring a glue-like, mucus-colored blob. It looks better, so I give up, and return to Matt. My internal talker starts up again. 'This stupid crap is still on here. It's sticking to my hair!' Despite my struggles, I finished my out-loud conversation with Matt, cleaned the phone (I think!), and returned it to its home.

Later in the day, I was getting ready for our trip to the dentist when the comb got stuck in my hair behind my right ear. My hair is only an inch or two long there, so this doesn't happen. I yelped and tried it a couple more times. I had just taken a shower and washed it even! I turned my head to look in the mirror, and the wafting air drifted a PINE scent into my nose. A lovely one at that, but not one I keep in my bathroom, let alone frisk up my hair with. 'Are you kidding me? Pine? Is that PINE SAP in my hair? Is that what was on the phone?' Darn it, I was talking to myself again.

The scent reminded me of earlier that day when I was mowing. It was very windy. I was mowing under a large pine tree where our driveway splits to the neighbor's. It's just like me to not look where I'm going, but this time I DID! I drove through a large open spot of the ginormous pine's bottom branches, where I mow every week, looked down to check my cutting position, when WHAP, this huge branch Zsa Zsa Gabored me right across the right side of my face! I hollered and looked back to see that beast hurling away from me, then taking aim to return at my backside! Well thank freakin' goodness that I used to watch Knight Rider. I threw my orange Husqvarna into Turbo Boost and high-tailed it out of there faster than Michael Knight would say, "Gimme all ya got, K.I.T.T.!"

The tree has the last laugh as the sap still lingers in my hair. My headband stayed in position all day, though.

Don't think I have poor hygiene when it comes to hair washing. It's a proven fact that it's very challenging to remove sap from hair! Maybe I should invent a new extreme hold hair gel.

Moms Don't Wear White

"You're a magnet for dirt." My mom frequently said that to me. My first piece of white clothing was my wedding dress.

My children often have dirty fingers, and they touch me a lot. It's not always dirt on their fingers, but things that are not dirty, like raspberries, chocolate, or paint. So, even as an adult, I don't wear much white.

Today I chose to to break through my fears and wear some white shorts from way in the bottom of my drawer. I called for all the children to go to the van for our trip to town, so I had then automatically created a clean forcefield around myself. I walked out the door with my small pile of things to put in the van including the dustbuster I wanted to store in there (Dirt Magnets need lots of these).

As I was walking to the van, the bottom half of the dustbuster came loose. All of the dirt, dust, fireplace ash, and who-knows-what-else took residence on the entire front of my white shorts.

I guess my magnetic force is as strong as ever.